


Inside and Out

by KayJude



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, F/F, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Genderqueer Character, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-10 02:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4373906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayJude/pseuds/KayJude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story starts with Nymphadora Tonks the summer before her fifth year at Hogwarts and follows her journey in exploring her gender and metamorphmagus abilities into adulthood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Questions

**Author's Note:**

> Here is the first chapter! I already have most of the next one written, and there will be many more after that. I hope you enjoy.

Nymphadora Tonks was in her bedroom, door locked and curtains drawn. She stood in front of the mirror, entirely naked.

“Okay.” she exhaled with a huff and concentrated hard on her goal. She was trying to give herself a male body.

This wasn’t the first time she had made adjustments to look like the opposite sex, but normally she didn’t have the nerve to do more than shrink her breasts down and make herself a bit taller and broader. This was different. She had studied pictures for hours to work out just what she would need to do to look more male. Be more male.

Her mother’s words from the previous week echoed in her thoughts as she shrunk her breasts down to pectoral muscles and broadened her shoulders.

——————-

“I don’t understand how you can dress the way you do, in all those baggy clothes. Nymphadora, do you know how many girls your age would kill to be able to change their looks? And you hide it under all those baggy clothes. I just don’t understand it. And growing yourself so tall! Boys won’t go after a girl so tall, Dora. And you could have any hair you wanted, but you keep it so short and uneven…people are going to think you’re a boy.”

She hadn’t said anything as her mother berated her whilst cleaning the entire kitchen. After about five minutes of her unending tornado of housework and criticism, Andromeda got fixed on a spot on the dining table. While she was whipping out her wand to do something about it, Tonks took the opportunity to speak.

“You’re only saying all this because Gran called me scruffy.”

“Because you are, Dora! You look like- like a-” Her mother couldn’t find the words and instead turned to focus on the windows she had already washed.

“I look like a boy.” Tonks finished for her.

Andromeda, exasperated and Tonks’ shortness, finally ceased her cleaning and turned to face her daughter. “Well, yes!” she huffed.

“I don’t see the problem with that.” Tonks felt misunderstood and out of place.

“Nymphadora…” Her mum began.

Tonks was frustrated at her mother’s inability to understand. Her hair flashed from that week’s shade of baby blue to a deep red. “Don’t call me Nymphadora!” She marched out of the kitchen and up to her room, locking the door behind her.

——————-

That day had been the first time she had stood in front of this mirror, flattening her chest - one part out of spite for her mother, another part pure wonder.

Now was different. Tonks wasn’t doing this out of curiosity. It was need driving her towards this.

She was at the easiest part - she grew a bit of facial hair, plenty under her arms, some on her new, wide chest, and in a trail down to…

“Hmm,” She thought, “I guess this is the hard part.”

She had snuck six books from her father’s library that he had purchased back when Tonks was only a toddler. So far the most helpful had been “Metamorphmagi: Inside and Out.” It discussed the inner workings of Metamorphmagus anatomy. The first thing she read up on was whether it was even possible to change your gentalia. She was relieved to find out that it was entirely doable and not very dangerous at all.

“Provided a basic understanding of the human anatomy is kept in mind while changing, inner organs will change as they must to adapt to the new sex.” she had read. She was in disbelief that this information even existed. Did this mean there were other metamorphmagi who felt like her? Who changed as she did?

The book had even described a method of morphing vocal chords to change the pitch of one’s voice. Tonks laughed aloud at a description of a man who had used his power to morph his voice and become a soprano opera singer in the muggle world. She was hesitant to try vocal chords herself - what if she had trouble changing it back and mum noticed?

Best to leave that for another day, she decided.

She turned her focus back to the books. She read the two passages she had found regarding sex once more. "The most important part of any big change," she reminded herself, "is to remain calm no matter what happens." She took one last deep breath and thought hard about the anatomy diagrams she had examined.   
  
And then she began.  
  
It wasn't painful, exactly. More uncomfortable than anything. Her insides were churning. It took five minutes before everything felt...in place. Tonks stared at her figure in the mirror.  
  
Mom was right. She does look like a boy. Tonks laughed to herself, first a small chuckle, then a full out laughing fit. It was half ridiculous and half gleeful. This felt new and strange - she had made her own body foreign ground. But more than anything, it felt right. 

Her mother was knocking on the door now, even jiggling the handle to the locked door. "Nym- ...Dora? Are you alright?" 

Still laughing, Tonks couldn't manage anything more than a cackled "Yeah!" She fell back onto her bed, wearing this new version of her body with every ounce of pride it could contain. Her mother eventually retreated back to the kitchen. Her father would ask if Tonks was okay and her mother would have nothing to give but a shrug. But Tonks felt pretty okay for the first time in a long time. But among the euphoria, there was another, deeper feeling. A nagging dread. Now that she had felt this joy, this rightness, this sense of self, there was no going back. And that meant she had to face her parents and the world as herself. 

"Herself?" Tonks thought. "Himself? Themself?" The euphoria remained, but confusion crept up on her. "Who am I? What am I?"

How was she supposed to tell anyone who she was now if she couldn't even figure that out on her own?

Tonks let out a long sigh before leaping up. She headed over to the wardrobe and rummaged through shirts and pants, tossing jackets and robes all over the floor. She pulled a few things on and looked in the mirror, a huge grin on her new boyish face.

The gleeful laugh came over her again. She had thrown on her favorite Whizzing Pixies t-shirt and a vest she had procured from a muggle shop in London. All the pants she owned were meant for girls, so they fit oddly on her shifted body. Despite this, when she looked at her reflection, all she saw was boy. Or at least, someone anyone else would call a boy. 

Was she a boy? Surely not... did it work like that? Could a girl actually just be  boy? Maybe it was different for metamorphmagi. She had never met any others - maybe this was simply part of it. Maybe they just didn't fit into 'boy' or 'girl.'   
  
But the books never said anything about that. So it was just her. Tonks sank to the floor, overwhelmed with loneliness and the thought that she might be alone in this. She didn't feel like laughing anymore. She had buried her face in her hands, wishing she had never had the feelings that had led her to this. 

Tonks had begun to sob, thoughts spiraling downward as she realized what she had started. She had shut the world out, from the reflection in the mirror across from her, to the tapping at her door.

\-----------

  
Ted had been walking along the hallway upstairs to get his wife's favorite candle when he heard strange noises coming from his daughter's room.   
  


And then, as he headed back toward the stairs, he heard something even stranger. Was Dora crying?

Now, Edward Tonks was a quiet man. Typically when things got rough, he took a step back and let his wife handle things. Nymphadora was their only child, a stubborn, wild thing, much like his wife had been when they met. Typically when he heard his daughter throwing clothes about, or muttering, or Merlin forbid, crying, he called upon Andromeda to talk to her. It seemed only right that a young woman be comforted by her mother.

But something drew him to Dora's room this time. He knocked lightly at first, and when she didn't answer, he almost walked away. Something inside of him, however, told him that just this once, it would be better to check in on her even if she didn't seem to want him to. He tried to turn the knob, only to find it locked. He considered walking away again, but something tugged at his heart and mind, pulling him to his child. "Alohamora." he whispered, and the door opened, letting him enter his daughter's room.

Ted Tonks stared down his daughter’s form and came to the realization that she looked almost nothing like herself. Just as it clicked in his head that Dora was currently a boy, that boy looked up and yelped. Ted, shocked at the sight of his daughter, dropped the candle he had been holding. There was a loud shatter as the glass jar holding the candle met the hardwood of Tonks’ bedroom floor. Tonks stood upright and backed as far away from the door as she could. 


	2. Quiet Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tonks and her father have a (mostly one-sided) talk, baby steps are taken.

“Dad, it’s not- I mean, I can explain. It’s not what you think, I just. I didn’t mean to...” Tonks sputtered, trying to come up with a good excuse as to why she might have morphed herself into a male.  
She didn’t need to finish, however, because her mother interrupted her by calling up the stairs. “Ted dear, is everything okay? I heard a crash. You haven’t broken my candle, have you?”

Ted held eye contact with his child for a few moments before doing anything. He quickly waved his wand over the shards of glass and chunks of wax, muttering "Reparo." He picked up the repaired candle and called back to his wife. "Not to worry, love. It's already fixed, I'll be right down." He stared another long few seconds at Tonks before turning, closing the door, and heading down to the kitchen.

Tonks felt as if the entire world had frozen around her, and she was stuck replaying the last few minutes, over and over. There was nothing she could do to fix what had just happened. Her parents would be up here any second, her father to show Mum what she had done to herself. She couldn’t imagine what Mum might say, what she might do. 

“They’ll throw me out.” she whispered to herself, terrified. 

Tonks began to hyperventilate, trying to come up with a plan. She could tell them it was accident…no, that wouldn’t explain the clothes. A prank, it was all a prank to fool Mum. She could tell them she was just trying to make them think she was a different person. She had morphed her face to look like Dad’s before, this was nothing new. They didn’t need to know she had changed her whole body, or that she even knew it was possible. She stood at the mirror again, trying to change her torso back. Maybe Dad would forget that her chest had been flat, her shoulders broad. She was too panicked to do anything properly, though, and she heard footsteps in the hallway coming back before she had made much of difference.

The door handle turned again, and her father re-entered the room. He was alone. His face didn’t seem to show any emotion as Tonks turned toward him, still 6 foot with the makings of a beard. She had expected anger, at the very least. But he was not shouting, he did not look accusatory or like he might throw her out. And most reassuring, Mum was not next to him, shrieking, as expected. 

Ted took a step towards her and she froze, unable to summon any story about a prank or an accident, just about to break down in a panic, when Ted spoke.

“I won’t tell her, unless you want me to. Your mother, she doesn’t need to know about… this. Not yet.”

Tonks’ eyes widened as she realized her father would not buy any of her stories. “No, it’s not- I didn’t…” She trailed off as Ted gave her a skeptical look. 

Mr. Tonks had never been blind to his daughter’s androgyny. Mute, perhaps, but never blind. He stood in the background as his wife berated Dora about it, not saying anything until late at night, when they were getting ready for bed. He would console her with phrases like “It’s just a phase.” or “It’s just the style nowadays, Dromeda.” He had known, of course, that there was a good chance this wasn’t true. But these words gave his wife solace and kept her from nagging their daughter too frequently. This week, however, his wife had been particularly focused on "the issue.” This was likely because his own mother had visited only weeks before, and had not held back comments about Dora’s appearance. 

Dora’s own retorts at this week’s scolding had gotten him thinking. Perhaps it wasn’t a phase at all, and he knew from seeing Dora’s friends that it wasn’t the style. Perhaps that was just who she was. He stood before Tonks, feeling guilty that he had made her feel so panicked. “It’s okay.” He said softly. “If this is who you want to be, who you are…I’ve thought for a long time it might be possible. It’s okay. I don’t know if I understand it all, but it’s okay.”

Tonks stared at her father, mouth open, unable to form words. She started to feel lightheaded and took a seat on her bed. 

Ted started toward her before thinking better of it. "I-uh, I'm sorry, if I scared you. I didn't want that. I don't want you to be scared, ever. I-I...have something for you. I'll be back."

Tonks was finally beginning to process everything that had just occurred. She felt sick to her stomach, and she couldn't tell if it was because she had changed around her insides or if stress was getting to her. Her father walked out of the room again and down the hall to his study. 

He came back with a book in hand. He placed it next to Tonks, who was still sitting on the bed, head in her hands. "I read this a few months ago. I thought maybe it would help."

Tonks looked down at the hardcover he had given her. It was blue and looked almost like a textbook. The title read "Who am I? The Question of Sex and Gender in Metamorphmagi." How had she missed this one when she was "borrowing" books from her father's library?

"I'll leave you to read. Don't leave it lying around, though. I've been keeping it in my desk so your mother wouldn't find it and ask questions." He stood up to go. "You'll want to change back before dinner. We can talk to your mum whenever you're ready." Ted headed to the door, stopping halfway and turning back. "Oh, and whenever you want to borrow books, you only have to ask, Dora." And with that, Ted Tonks left his only child to learn about herself while he went downstairs to help his wife with dinner.

Tonks hadn't managed to say a word the entire time he had spoken to her. She had only listened. And in everything he had said, she had heard only one thing - "I love you."


	3. Now, Then.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tonks reflects, her father interrupts. The time has come to reveal their secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, finally. This one took forever to write! I have a good reason, though - I accidentally wrote chapters 6 and 7 before it. I kind of had a crazy moment of inspiration. So I'm really excited about where the story is headed. Enjoy!

Tonks lay on her bed, holding the book from her father above her, rereading one of the paragraphs she had marked.

“Many metamorphmagi report feelings of disconnect with their own bodies. It is not uncommon to experience disillusion with your own appearance, even if it that of your natural state. Some have even described the feeling as having forgotten what they actually look like. There are misconceptions about the Metamorphmagi community that imply we have no natural state or appearance. This, of course, is false. Metamorphmagi often do not even present their abilities until several days after birth, showing that there is a default state. After the young subject becomes aware of their ability, it does become harder to remain in the default state. However, it is by no means impossible. If a Metamorphmagus encounters trouble when trying to reach the natural state, it is usually due to emotional issues involving depression, body dysphoria/dysmorphia, low self esteem, poor body image, etc…”

As Tonks finished the paragraph, she thought of the time when she was eleven when she had convinced herself that she didn’t look like anything. She remembered how she had been certain that if she didn’t morph, her physical appearance would just disappear into nothingness. 

Her mother had laughed, telling her that she would always look like something, and showing her a picture that was taken minutes after her birth. Tonks had stood at the mirror, trying to morph to look more like this first version of herself. She had gone too far and made her nose three times too small for the rest of her face before her father stopped her. He assured her that she still looked very much like she always had.

That had been the start of it. As the years went on, Tonks made funny little cosmetic changes to herself as she pleased. She spent several months at 13 with a perfect nose and piercing violet eyes. She thought nothing of it until one day she wanted to go back to her old eyes and she couldn’t remember how to get them.

Maybe this was why she had trouble changing back. The book had said that metamorphmagi often had trouble changing back because of an underlying hostility toward themselves.

Tonks felt hostile toward herself sometimes. Two years ago, dad’s cousin had gotten married and her mother made her wear a dress to the wedding. She had fidgeted uncomfortably at the sight of her own small waist and thighs. She remembered being embarrassed at the way the dress clung tighter to her chest than her typical t-shirts.

By the end of the night, she felt so uncomfortable she was nearly in tears and her father made an excuse and took them home early. Her mother hadn’t forced her into a dress again after that. Tonks always figured her father had something to do with it.

Her chain of thought was broken with a tap at the door.   
  
“Come in.”   
  
Her dad popped through the door, closing it behind him. He smiled when he saw the book she held. “Hey, Dora. Mum and I are having some tea downstairs, if you want to join.”  
  
Tonks slowly put the book down and sat up. “Oh, Right. So now, then?”  
  
“We don’t have to do it tonight if you don’t feel ready.”  
  
“I leave for school in three weeks, Dad. We don’t exactly have a lot of time.”  
  
“You’re right. But it’s your decision when we talk to her. I would wait a year if you wanted to.”  
  
“Dad, I can’t wait a year. Not now that I’ve read this, now that I know what I do. A few weeks ago, I would’ve waited years if you’d let me. I’d chalk everything up to be my fault for being weird and never change a thing. I can’t do that now. I feel like I’m finally beginning to figure out who I want to be.”

He looked at her for a long time. Tonks didn’t want to say anything else; she thought if she talked more it would just make her unsure of herself. She noticed that a candle on her windowsill had begun to flicker and went out. Her father looked past her at the smoke that started to rise from the wick. 

Finally, he spoke. “I’m sorry, Dora.” His voice was gruff with the apology. “I should have given you those books myself, a long time ago. I should have given them to your mum. Then you wouldn’t have had such a hard time with all of this.” 

Tonks thought for the briefest of moments that, perhaps, she had just seen tears form in her father’s eyes.  He kept speaking as she watched him with the curiosity of a small child. “I kept them to myself because I didn’t think this would ever happen. You are the most special thing in our lives, Dora. I’m sorry if we ever made you feel like that was a bad thing.” The tears seemed to be gone as soon as they came, and Tonks blamed it on a trick of light. She couldn’t remember ever seeing her father cry.

Tonks hugged her father, thankful that his support meant she wouldn’t be alone downstairs with her mother.

After nearly a minute, she released him and sat back. "I think if we don't do it now, I'll lose my nerve."  
  
Ted grimaced at his daughter, standing. "All right then, we might as well."  
  
Tonks stood too, book in hand, leading the way to the door. She told herself that there was no reason to be scared and that everything would go smoothly. If she thought it hard enough, maybe she would believe it. And if she believed it, maybe it would be true. 

Tonks continued to lead the way all the way to the kitchen, her father following behind and wondering how she hadn't ended up in Gryffindor. His daughter was one of the bravest people he knew. 

Andromeda heard them coming and spoke to them as she tended to the kettle. "About time, I thought you'd both gotten lost."

Tonks chuckled, still nervous. She hadn't thought hard enough.  Just before her mum could turn around and see it, Tonks shoved _Who Am I?_ under her chair. Her mother summoned a tea towel from across the room to wipe a small spill, then turned to her husband and daughter. Andromeda set a cup of tea in front of Tonks, then two more across the table for herself and Ted. "Thanks mum." Tonks said quietly. She was waiting for her mom to actually sit before she started. 

Her father grabbed some sugar and a plate of biscuits, joining Tonks at the table. Andromeda didn't sit, though. She was still bustling around the kitchen, putting the dish towel back in its place, charming the dishes to put themselves in the cupboards.   
  
Tonks looked at her father pleadingly.   
  
"Dromeda, dear, sit. Enjoy your tea while it's still hot." He said calmly. 

"Alright, alright." She sat next to Ted. She nearly stood up again, remembering something else to be done. "Oh, the paper. I can get you The Prophet if you'd like, dear. You didn't get a chance to read it this morning."

"No, love, that's fine. Dora and I-" He gave Tonks a glance as if to ask one last time if she was ready to do this. 

"We wanted to talk to you about something, mum." Tonks said, as surely as she could. 

"Oh? Alright. But I hope the two of you aren't already planning to try and talk me into buying World Cup tickets." Andromeda joked, shaking her head. 

"No, not yet." Tonks laughed, too. The Cup wasn't for another two years, but tickets would go on sale in a couple months. Her father wanted to convince her mother to go and had been dropping hints for weeks. She'd let him deal with that one.

"No, uhm, I actually wanted to tell you something, mum. Something serious." 


	4. Very Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Tonks comes out to her mother, everyone needs to sleep on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, Chapter Four! The next couple upcoming chapters are my favorite so far. They'll be skipping straight to Tonks' first week back at Hogwarts.

  
  
Tonks shifted in her seat. There was no going back now. "You and I, we've been arguing a lot more lately, and I know we both hate it. And I think part of it is that I've been keeping something from you." 

Andromeda's eyes widened, and Tonks immediately backtracked. "Nothing bad. It's not dangerous or anything, I just- Well, okay. I know Gran hates it when I wear baggy clothes or keep my hair short. And I know you don't like it much, either. But I - most of the time, I just feel more comfortable that way. And for a long time it was just clothes and stuff, but lately I feel more comfortable when I...don't look like a girl. Because sometimes I feel like a boy. Not all the time, but a lot. And dad gave me this book about- well," Tonks grabbed the book and set it on the table, choosing to stare at it rather than look at her mother. "It's about other people like me. Metamorphmagi who don't feel right in their bodies."

Tonks had run out of breath and ideas. She looked up at her mother, who sat, in shock, staring at the book. 

"Mum, please just-"

Her mother looked up from her book and to her father. "You knew about this?"  
  
"Only the last couple weeks. I found out by mistake. Now, I don't want you to be mad at me for keeping quiet. Nor Dora. We both wanted to wait until she was ready to talk about this." Her father reasoned.

Tonks sat in silence, waiting for her mother to look at her. Eventually, she did. And after a long minute, she spoke. "You feel...like a boy?"  
  


Tonks answered in a rush. "Sometimes. Not always. Sometimes I feel like a girl. Mostly I just feel like both."

"Is that even possible?" Her mother asked, bordering on disbelief.

"You should read this book, dear, it opened my eyes on a lot of things." Ted said as soothingly as he could.

"You had this? Already? Before you knew?" She had started to sound accusatory.

"I had my suspicions, Dromeda. You did too, I know. I did some research. But I didn't want to bring it up too seriously unless it proved to be true." He reasoned with her. 

Andromeda Tonks took a deep breath. "But you're sure you're not just a homosexual?" She asked her daughter. 

Tonks blushed and her hair went a slightly darker shade of orange. "Mum, they don't really have anything to do with each other."  
  
Her mother gaped at her. "You're gay too?"  
  
Tonks sighed. "No, well kind of. I don't know. I like everyone."  
  
Her mother had an infuriating expression that was a mix of skeptical and concerned. 

"Not literally everyone, mum."

"So you still do like boys?"

"Well, yes. Some boys. I still like boys."

Her mother tried not to show her relief. Tonks wasn't fooled, she knew her mother was holding out for her to marry a nice Weasley boy and give her six grandchildren. Three boys and three girls, named after various respectable relatives, including herself. "Hopefully," her mother had said once, "some of them inherit your abilities, so they won't have to keep that red hair." It had been said as a joke at the time, but Tonks knew that even now, her mother's main concern was whether or not Tonks could still make a good wife. 

"Of course, it's never really mattered that much to me if you're gay. I just want you to be happy." Her mother said, sipping her tea.

Now it was Tonks who gaped. "Mum, I really appreciate that, I do, but I'm not sure if you understand. I wasn't trying to tell you I'm gay. Technically I'm not, not really. I can't really be gay because I'm not a girl, mum."

"...So you want to be a boy?" Her mother asked incredulously.

"No, mum. I just don't feel like either, okay? It's like it fluctuates. Sometimes I feel like one, sometimes the other. Sometimes I feel like I'm in between. Or nowhere."  
  
Her mother turned towards her father. "And you've read that this is possible? There are other people, like that?"

Her father spoke for the first time in minutes. "Yes, I have. It's not uncommon in metamorphmagi."  
  
"I suppose not, when you can change however you want." Her mother quipped. Then her eyes flashed at the idea. "Merlin, you don't- I mean- you can't just- just the same as your hair?"  
  
Tonks covered her face in her hands, wishing her abilities let her turn invisible. She gave a groan, then answered. "Yes, mum."

"Oh my goodness. That has to be dangerous. Ted, is it dangerous? Tell her." 

"No, love, she's fine. Really. We talked about it," Tonks blushed again at the mention of the embarrassing stumbling conversation she had to have with her father. It had been over a week ago and she was still mortified at having to explain her transformations. "and it sounds fine. Others have managed it at a much younger age. By accident, even. You really ought to read the book, dear." 

Andromeda examined the copy of _Who Am I?_ , not finding anything immediately scary about it. "I could do that." She settled. 

\---------

Tonks lay in bed that night, listening closely for sounds down the hall. She heard her parents speak occasionally, but nothing angry or yelling. 'Good sign,' she thought. 'Means I haven't destroyed their marriage.'

Her mother had ended the conversation with a kiss to Tonks' forehead, and a murmured "Thank you for being honest. You did the right thing, telling us." She excused herself to go upstairs, saying she wanted to start reading the new book. 

Her father had watched her go upstairs, staying behind a few minutes. "It didn't go badly." he had resolved.

"Yeah, there was no talk of divorcing you or disowning me."

"Now, you knew there wouldn't be."

He was right. Her mother's own family had cast her off for marrying a muggle-born. She had been through enough family dysfunction without creating her own. It had actually gone much in the way Tonks had expected.

Tonks lay awake longer than usual. She had taken to reading _Who Am I?_ before falling asleep. Somehow, though, it felt right that it was her mother reading it instead.

\-----

Tonks was woken abruptly by her curtains flying open and the daylight streaming through her window. 

"Get up and come downstairs, you'll have to eat breakfast then hurry and get ready, we have to go."  
  
"Mum, we aren't going anywhere today." Tonks groaned, covering her head with a pillow.

"We have to go shopping. We're stopping by Madam Malkins. I suppose we can Floo over to Gladrings as well, if you'd like."

"Mum, you've forgotten. We already bought my uniforms last Tuesday."  
  
"Yes, well, if you're to be morphing all over the place, then you're likely to need some others." She looked up and down and Tonks, who slept comfortably in shorts and a vest top, chest flattened and nearly six feet tall. "And some boy's trousers, too I suppose." Her mother picked up a t shirt from the floor and put it in Tonks' hamper before heading downstairs. "Hurry up then, there's bacon."

Tonks sat in disbelief. Something had gone right. Very, very, right. 


	5. At Peace, Mostly.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> T comes out to her best friend, Duke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I mentioned the possibility of a chapter between this one and the last, showing the shopping trip Tonks had with Andromeda... That's not happening like I thought it would. It felt weird to write in the context I had going, but I may still bring it up in the future. Not sure. But for now, Hogwarts! Yes, T's last few weeks at home have passed and she is back at school with her friends.

Tonks had been pacing around the Room of Requirement for almost five minutes. Her best friend, Kirley “Duke” McCormack sat on the sofa against the wall, reading a book, as per usual. This space was their go-to hang out spot. All they had to do was walk around the seventh floor left corridor for a bit, thinking about how they needed a place to lounge.

But Tonks was doing nothing that resembled lounging. Anxiety was coming off of her in waves, and Duke was getting sick of sitting around in it. He took matters into his own hands and broke the silence. “So you said over lunch that you wanted to tell me something?”

Tonks took a solid minute before answering. “Yeah, I did. I don’t know. It’s dumb, it’s probably not even worth saying.” She kept pacing.

“T, I’ve known you five years now, and I’ve never heard a single thing come out of your mouth that wasn’t worth saying.”

Tonks chuckled. “Yeah, I don’t know. It’s never too late to start.” She paced a bit faster.

He squinted at her for a moment. “For fuck’s sake, would you sit down? You’re making me nervous.”

Tonks stopped pacing and looked around before taking a seat on the other couch, farthest from where Duke sat.

He sighed. “Does this have to do with how weird Herman’s been around you lately?”

“I, uh. Maybe. I’m not really sure.” Tonks said truthfully. She didn’t know if Herman suspected, only that he had asked her out two weeks ago. She had gotten flustered and turned him down as nicely as she could.  
  
Duke’s stare got suspicious. “Merlin’s sake, you didn’t hook up with him, did you?”  
  
Tonks’ eyes grew wide and she blushed. “No, Duke, shut up. I wouldn’t-not Herman. I don’t even like- Merlin, why would you think that??”  
  
Kirley shrugged. “Okay, okay. Sorry. He seemed like he had a thing for you. If it isn’t that, what is it?”  
  
Tonks let out a long exhale. “I. So I… Okay, I’m not even sure where to start. Alright, so. You know how I hang out with you guys a lot? Like, a lot? And I don’t really fit in with anyone else? And how Lydia Marcus made a big deal last year about me living in the same dorm as the other girls?”  
  
“Fuckin’ hell, Tonks, if you like birds, just go on and say it.”  
  
“Duke!”

“What, you’re telling me that’s not where this is going? T, I don’t care. I mean, I care. But you’re my best mate, I don’t care who you go after, as long-”   
  
“Duke!!” Tonks shrieked.

“Sorry, what?”

“Yes, okay? I like girls.”  
  
“Well fuck, you got nervous for nothing. We’re still mates.”

Tonks squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. Maybe she should just let him think that was it. It would be easier.  
  
“Huh. So you’re gay.” He sat in thought for a moment. Tonks didn’t say a thing.  "…That was it, wasn’t it? T?“

No. It would not be easier. Being someone you’re not isn’t easier than telling the truth.  
  
Tonks opened her eyes. "I don’t- Well first, I like girls, yes. But that’s not what I was trying to tell you and technically I guess I’m not really gay because I still like people who aren’t girls and, and because I’m not really… well, I’m not-I’m-I, uhm-” She had begun rambling and tearing up in a panic.  
  
Duke stood up. “Woah, hey, T. Hey, hey.” He moved to sit next to her. “It’s okay, alright? I’m still here, no matter what it is, okay?”  
  
Tonks shook her head, unable to speak.   
  
“T, you look at me. Hey. Look at me.” Tonks raised her head a fraction of an inch. “I’m here. Thick and thin, birds or blokes, or anything in between.” 

With that, Tonks let her gaze shift up to meet her best friend’s, squinting at him through too much eyeliner and tears.

“I’m in between.”  
  
“Well I figured, when you mentioned you like guys and girls.”  
  
Tonks shook her head. “No. Me. Myself. I am the in-between. Not a girl, not a guy. In between.”

She watched Duke stare her down, analyzing her like he never had before. His eyes drifted to her cropped hair, her tall lanky figure. Confusion shaded over Duke’s face, then realization. “Oh. Oh.” Then empathy. They sat in silence for a bit. Then with a long inhale, Duke broke it. “How long?”

Tonks shrugged. “Dunno. A while. I didn’t really have the words for it until my dad gave me this book over the summer. It helped.”  
  
Duke smiled a bit. “I’d like to borrow it.”

Tonks looked at him for a long few seconds, eyebrows furrowed. “Oh, yeah, Okay.”

Tonks pulled Who Am I? out of her bag, handing it to him. She hadn’t left it behind anywhere since she had come back to Hogwarts. One part because it had become a sort of sacred tome for her; one part because she didn’t want any of the girls in the dormitory finding it.

Duke was visibly surprised to see her immediately produce this book. He took it gladly; immediately opening it.

“Oh, you don’t have to read it now. Or at all, I mean, I just-”  
  
Duke cut her off. “When have you ever known me to turn down a book?”

Tonks gave a small laugh. “Right, well, I could leave if you wanted to…” She trailed off as she noticed Duke shaking his head.

“You hang out while I read all the time, I don’t mind.”  
  
“Right.”  
  
“T, you don’t have to stay if you’re uncomfortable.”  
  
Tonks looked for a moment as if she might take the pass he had given her and leave. She could go hide in the dorm under her covers for a few hours.

Duke interrupted her train of thought. “Nothing this book says is going to make me go off on you or anything.”  
  
He had calmed her unspoken fears. She still had a nagging desire in the back of her head to just bury herself in her bed and sleep for several hours. But she did have an essay for Snape she should work on, and it was much more peaceful here, anyway.

Tonks started to take out a scroll and ink to start that essay, but stopped herself. She stared with longing at the hammock hanging across the room. “That blanket _is_ really soft,” she thought to herself, “and the essay isn’t due for a week.” She resigned herself to a nap. She lay down and covered herself entirely with the blanket. Duke sat across the room,  already absorbed in the book.  


And so Tonks fell asleep listening to the turning pages of _Who Am I?_ ; a little worried, but mostly at peace.


	6. Guesswork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tonks explains her identity further to Duke, but even she doesn't have all the answers yet.

Tonks awoke slowly, still sheathed in the soft blanket and hearing pages turning. She poked her head out of the blanket and, squinting in the light, saw that Duke was nearly halfway through the book. She sighed and started to retreat back under the blankets when Duke looked up at her.  
  
“Hey, you’re awake.” He looked right back down at the book.

Tonks gave a noncommittal grunt in response.

“Oh, hey, what are your pronouns?”

Tonks couldn’t make out what he had said with her head buried in the hammock, and she was too sleepy to ask Duke to repeat himself.

“Oi!” Duke called, tossing a throw pillow from the sofa at Tonks. “Your pronouns? Which ones do you use?”  
  
Tonks had paid more attention this time and resurfaced to respond. “I don’t really know. Mum and Dad still call me ‘she’ like everyone else.”

“Are you okay with that?”  
  
Tonks gave a mildly disgruntled shrug in response before elaborating. “I don’t really know anything else. Besides, any other pronouns would be a bit weird right now, you know? You’re the only person at school who I’ve told, mate.”

“No kidding. Not even Bill or Charlie?”  
  
“Nah. I was kind of scared they’d slip and tell their mum. Or Percy. Who would then tell their mum.”

“Right.”

“You think I should tell them.”  
  
“No, I think you could tell them. They love you, T. I’d even bet you could tell Mrs. Weasley. They’re not going to shun you.”

“You don’t know that.”

Duke frowned a bit. “You’re right, I guess I don’t. Sorry if I’m not much help. It’s just- well, this a bit new to me.”

Tonks groaned. “I never should have told you, or my parents. There’s no going back now. I can never be normal.”  
  
“T, from what I’m reading, it sounds like this is normal. This says plenty of Metamorphmagi have trouble with… all of that. And it’s no wonder, when you can change round like you do.” Duke reasoned with her.

“Still, I wish I could have waited to tell them ‘til I’d sorted things out more.” Tonks grumbled, angry at herself.

“Why didn’t you then?” Duke asked, expecting to trap her in some logic about how she must have told her parents because her subconscious knew it was time.

Tonks saw right through to Duke’s reasonable side, as per usual. “I know what you’re thinking. But I didn’t have a choice, did I? My dad walked in on me looking like a bloke.”

Duke grimaced. “Tough luck, then.” He sat back, curious. “So you can make your body all man-like or whatever, but does it still look like you? Like if you had a brother? Because I’ve only ever seen you as me or Herman. Or that one time, ” Duke paused to snicker. “when you went and changed yourself into Snape.”

Tonks laughed at the memory. She had morphed herself to look like Snape and scared a few of the first years on one particularly boring day in third year. Nobody had ever figured it out, either. It wasn’t out of character for Snape to walk around sneering at little Gryffindors.

“I think I look like me. I haven’t been doing it that long. And I haven’t really had anyone to show. My mum and dad weren’t exactly eager for me to go walking round the house looking like a guy.”

“Wait, so you told them, but you kept on being a girl?”

“Well, I didn’t go morphing or anything, but I wasn’t a girl. I mean…not really? I don’t know. It’s kind of like, I’m not a girl either way. Even now, with…” Tonks gestured at her chest, then her whole body. “y'know, everything. Even now I’m not really a girl, in my head.”  
  
Duke nodded along. “I get it, I think.”

“Well that’s fortunate, because even I think it sounds like I’m talking bollocks sometimes.”

Duke stretched out on the sofa, book still open in hand. He stared at Tonks for a long moment. “I don’t think it sounds like bollocks.” He said quietly.

Tonks stared back and gave a shrug.

“I just- I’ve known you for a while, T.”  
  
“Five years.”  
  
“Yeah, a while. And things haven’t always been easy for you.”  
  
Tonks looked down at her hands, swinging slightly in the hammock. “I guess.”  
  
“This could help.” He held up the book.

“D, I highly doubt all of this is going to make my life easier.”

“Not now, maybe. Not at first. But in the end? I think so. It’s better to be who you are then go on hiding from everyone, including yourself.”  
  
Tonks still didn’t look up at him.

“It just seems like you’re getting caught up in everything that’s going on now. You’re forgetting that in the long run, this could make you feel a lot better.”

Tonks nodded. “Yeah, it could.”

“How did your parents take it, anyway?”  
  
“Dad gave me that book, said he always thought it could be a possibility. He was pretty good about it. Mum was really weird at first, and then she insisted on taking me shopping for boy clothes, which was…hard. And then she kind of just acted like nothing happened the rest of holiday. It’s probably for the best.”

“Your mum let you buy something that wasn’t purple or flowery?”

“Yeah, I know. It was weird. She woke me up at the crack of dawn, told me to morph so we could buy clothes that would fit me as a guy.”

“So you…like, you make yourself taller?”

“Yeah, that’s part of it.”

Duke nodded along. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be nosy.”  
  
“No, I get it. It’s weird. You can ask whatever.”

“Not weird. Just really interesting.”

Tonks cracked a smile. “I don’t know, mum thinks it’s pretty weird. I waiting for her to get rid of all my clothes and paint my room pink in the middle of the night.”

“T, by all logic, your mother should have never given your muggle-born father a second glance. You said her parents shunned her for having you. If she really hated the idea of this so much, I think she probably would have let you know.”

Tonks’ legs, dangling over the edge of the hammock, swung a bit as she stared at the floor beneath her, feeling guilty. Duke’s parents were the kind of judgmental pure-bloods her grandparents had been. He understood her mother better than most. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I guess I haven’t given her enough credit.” she gave in.

Duke flashed a smile to show he knew that he had won the argument they weren’t even having. He gave a glance to the page he was on before shutting the book and putting it in his bag. “I’m not going to get any more reading done if we keep yapping, plus dinner’s nearly come. Should we head down to the Great Hall, then?”  
  
Tonks was shaken out of her train of thought by his suggestion. “Yeah, good idea.”  
  
So the pair headed to dinner, the Room of Requirement discarding any evidence of their lounge until next time.


	7. Things Haven't Always Been Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tonks goes on a midnight stroll, we learn a few muddled details about her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Yes! I've been gone for a while. Three months, if you were counting. I really hope you weren't counting. I had to sort out my life, but I'm back now. I won't let this story go unwritten! I hope you enjoy.

Tonks lay awake in bed, unable to sleep as thoughts from that afternoon buzzed around in her head.

She listened to the soft breathing of the girls in her dorm. It sounded like everyone was asleep but her. Tonks crept out of bed and down to the common room. The fire crackled in the hearth, recently tended to. The house elves had already come and gone and wouldn’t be back for hours.

Tonks walked past the fire tonight, pushing through the door of the Hufflepuff basement. Peeking around every corner, she started her journey up to the Astronomy Tower. She had just reached the bottom of the spiral staircase when she heard a rustle behind her.

She froze in fear, certain she had heard Snape or Filch come to give her detention. She turned around, prepared to give any sort of excuse, only to find no one there.

She slowly turned again to head up the stairs when she heard another noise.

A small meow.

Tonks groaned and turned around, seeing Mrs. Norris’ small yellow eyes peering at her from around the corner.

She stooped down so the cat would recognize her in the dark. “I suppose I’ll have to bribe you not to go finding Filch, eh?”

The cat pranced over to her, reaching her feet, and then plopped to the ground, rolling over. Tonks smirked and rubbed affectionately under the cat’s chin and on her stomach. She didn’t stop until Mrs. Norris was purring heavily and had closed her eyes, half asleep.

She had bonded with the cat midway through second year. She couldn’t afford to have Mrs. Norris dislike her when she so often roamed at night, so she had fed her scraps of chicken from dinner. From there, they became tolerant of each other. Once Tonks had discovered that Mrs. Norris liked to have her chin pet and her tummy rubbed, the two got on quite well. Their alliance kept Tonks (mostly) out of trouble on her late night adventures.

She gave the cat one last adoring pat, then stood. Assured that Mrs. Norris wouldn’t go telling on her now, she finally began the steep spiral ascension to the tallest of the Hogwarts towers.

She reached the door at the top and peered through the small window to ensure that no one else was at the tower tonight. Last year she had walked in on two 7th years snogging because she hadn’t thought to check first. But tonight, all was clear. She pushed open the door and felt the cool night air wash over her.

Tonks laid on the cold stone ground, looking up at the night sky. There were clouds covering most of any visible stars, but one or two shone through. Overcast nights like these ensured her little adventures wouldn’t interrupted by any Astronomy exams. 

Tonks had stopped taking Astronomy this past year and had started to miss spending time out here, charting the constellations. She had exchanged the favorite class for more room in a full schedule of courses that would prepare her for Auror training. She had to settle for spending time up here on sleepless nights. She didn't mind, too much, though. For as long as she could remember, she had been looking up at the stars.

It had been her cousin, Sirius, who had first taught her about them. In the beginning, it started as him teasing her about the brightest star being named after him. As she got a bit older, he imparted real knowledge on her. That had stopped, though, just before her 8th birthday. Sirius disappeared from their lives then, her mother not telling her what had really happened for years.

That had been about when Tonks started having trouble sleeping.

“Miss Tonks.”

Tonks jumped in shock at her name. She looked, bewildered, at the door; now ajar with Professor Sprout in the doorway. She hadn’t heard it open.

“You know you’re not to wander the school at night.”

Tonks stood up. “I’m sorry professor, I couldn’t sleep, I thought coming out here might help.”

“When you have trouble sleeping, you’re meant to go to Madame Pomfrey.”

Tonks looked down at her hands, caught. “I know. I just didn’t want to be a bother. And all she can do is give me sleeping draught. She told me last year that it can be addictive. I thought I should stop taking it, so I came up here instead. I’m really am sorry.”

“I understand. I could speak to Madame Pomfrey about finding another solution for this year, if you’re worried about the draught. I’ll let you go back to the dormitories without a detention, this time.”

“Thank you, Professor.”  
  
Tonks followed Professor Sprout down the stairs of the tower. The Head of House lead her all the way back to the Common Room entrance. 

Tonks was about to open the door before Professor Sprout spoke for the first time since they left the tower.

“Nymphadora.”

Tonks wrinkled her nose at the sound of her first name, also upset at not having gotten away without a lecture. She turned to face Sprout.

“Yes, Professor?” Tonks waited, certain she was about to lose house points.

“You can talk to me, if you’re feeling bad again. You can come to my office any time.”

Tonks wanted nothing more than to go back to bed now. Her stomach knotted as she thought about telling the professor how she felt. She shook it away and resigned to keeping it to herself. “Thanks, Professor.”

Professor Sprout nodded kindly and left Tonks to enter the Common Room.

Tonks went in, not yet ready to go back to her bed. She could try sitting in front of the fire for a while. Experience with many sleepless nights told her that it likely wouldn’t help. Tonks let out a sigh as she ducked into the Hufflepuff Basement, sure that she wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight.

“What are you doing up?” A familiar voice asked from across the room.

Tonks squinted through the dim light. “Duke? I couldn’t sleep. I went up to the tower for a bit, til Sprout found me and made me come back.” Tonks went to the far side of the room and sat across from Duke. 

“You get a detention?”

“No, but only because she feels bad for me.”

Duke grimaced. “She didn’t make you go get a sleeping draught from Pomfrey?”

“No. I told her I don’t want to take it any more.”

“You tell her why?”

Tonks shrugged. “Not all of it.”

Duke nodded. “I’m not going to pressure you to tell anyone.”

“But?”

“But I think maybe you should.”

“There’s no point, I’m not taking it any more. No draught, no nightmares. No nightmares, no panic. No panic, no reason to tell Pomfrey about the panic.”

"You're not even sure it was the draught causing the nightmares."

Tonks sighed, the tips of her hair going a bit red. "Duke. Give it a rest."

Duke remained tight-lipped, afraid to seem unsupportive. “Okay. What you tell them is your choice.”

Tonks nodded. “Right.”

“I do want you to know though, I’d go with you. If you wanted to tell them. I’d be there.”  
  
“Are we still talking about the Sleeping Draught?”

“Well, yeah, but I’d be there if you wanted to talk to them about…anything else.”

“Duke, I’m not really ready yet. I mean, I can’t even work up the nerve to tell anyone but you, let alone the professors.”

“Then tell Bill, or Charlie. Herman, even.”

“It’s not that easy, Duke. People don’t get this. They’d freak out.”

“I didn’t freak out.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know that. It’s just hard, okay? I feel like I’m at a stand still because I’m pretending to be someone I’m not.”

Duke was silent for some time, trying not to be hurt by Tonks’ distrusting statement. He found it hard to believe she ever thought he would be anything other than accepting. Reasoning with himself, he thought about his own hesitance with trusting people. And Tonks' situation was so different. If he wanted her to stop doubting his trustworthiness in all this, he'd have to convince her. Finally, he broke the awkward silence. “Okay, so don’t like, take this the wrong way or anything. Because you know I would never ask you to morph for my own entertainment or anything.”  
  
“Except the time you wanted me to morph into Herman so you could see what he would look like with red hair.” Tonks joked.

Duke laughed. “Yeah, excluding that. It’s just… we’ve been kind of skirting around this for a while, and I figured I ought to just tell you, even though it might sound a bit weird-”  
  
“Duke, spit it out already.”  
  
“Right. Okay. It’s just - it’s okay, if you want to be… a guy around me. Like, more than you already are. If you feel uncomfortable in your body, and it’s just me around, there’s no reason for you not to morph to be more comfortable.”

“Oh.” Tonks stared hard at the floor.

“I’m not just saying that because I want to know what you look like.”  
  
“No, I get it. You’re right.”  
  
“Because sometimes you seem really weird about…yourself. Even when it’s just us, lounging about. And I just wanted to make sure you knew that I’m not gonna freak out or anything.”  
  
Tonks nodded. “I’m not gonna lie, I was a little afraid it might be weird if I showed up to The Room one day looking like a bloke.”

“No weirder than you with green hair or purple eyes.”

Tonks smirked at Duke’s description; she just so happened to be sporting emerald hair and violet eyes that day.

There was a creak as the door to the common room opened.   
  
Duke's eyes widened. "Sprout?" he whispered urgently.

Tonks stood. If it was the Head of House, they had about three seconds before she rounded into the room and found them up past hours. Tonks likely wouldn't escape a detention this time. 

"Hide!" she whispered.

Duke stood and backed his way behind the decorative curtain to the side of the seat he had been lounging on.

Tonks looked around frantically, when Duke's arm shot out from behind the curtain and pulled Tonks behind it. She collided into him before steadying herself, trying to hold the curtain still.

"Sorry." Duke mouthed sheepishly.

Tonks rolled her eyes, but forgot all about their collision as footsteps thudded lightly across the carpeted floor. 

Professor Sprout would likely just pop her head in to make sure there were no students out of bed, then leave. 

Duke and Tonks held their breath, waiting. 

The footsteps came across the room, toward the boy's dormitory. 

"Why hasn't she left yet?" Tonks thought to herself.

"Oi, it's not Sprout, you fools. You can go back to snogging."  
  
Duke and Tonks looked at each other, bewildered, before stepping out from the curtain.

"Herman?" They exclaimed together.

"How did you even know we were back there?" Tonks asked, certain they had kept quiet.

Herman looked the most shocked of all. His face went a bit red as he sputtered, "What- what are you two doing back there? You weren't - I mean - I -"

"Well, we certainly weren't snogging." Duke said.

Tonks face went red now and she took a further step from Duke. "Oh, no. No. We were down here _talking_. Geez."

Herman looked just a bit relieved. "Oh, well. Right. Obviously. I didn't know it was you two. I just saw your feet."  
  
Duke and Tonks turned to see the curtain they had been behind. It only reached down to a foot above the ground. They all laughed.

"Right. Well, I'm off to bed." Herman said, turning to head to the dormitory once more.

"Oh, hey. That's probably a good idea." Duke said. He gave Tonks a meaningful stare before following Herman up the stairs. "Get some sleep, will you?"

"Right." Tonks said. She watched her friends ascend into their dormitory, sitting back in her chair only when their feet had disappeared. 


	8. Half the Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tonks is having a hell of a night, and all she wants to do is take a bath.

Tonks was exhausted as she headed up to the dormitory. It had been a long day of classes on only two hours’ sleep.

She stopped to drop off her large pile of recently finished homework and grab a pair of pajamas, then headed to the bathroom, grateful that Friday was coming to a close.

Before stepping into the shower stall, Tonks stopped in front of the mirror to scrutinize her reflection. In a fit of inspiration this morning, she had given herself a shaggy, longer haircut, similar to Duke’s. Then, to add a little flare, she had turned it so blonde it was nearly white.

She wrinkled her nose at it now. She shortened it significantly, making it lay a little less flat. She grinned at herself as she switched between colors: a deep plum, then black, then pink, before settling on a nice reddish brown color.

Out of the corner of her eye she caught a pair of eyes staring at her.

She turned to look at Betty Braithwaite, who dropped her gaze once she met Tonks’ eyes.

Tonks rolled her eyes. Betty, like pretty much all of the girls in her dorm, thought that Tonks was very strange. Probably because she didn’t give herself blonde hair and curves and long eyelashes every morning when she woke up.

While she contemplated the many reasons people thought she was weird, another girl stepped out of a shower stall. Tonks took no notice of her until the girl let out an alarmed shriek. Betty turned to stare at Alison Denbright, who, though no longer shrieking, wore a shocked expression.

Tonks turned around and another girl, Glinda Crook, poked her head out of a stall, concerned.

“Merlin, Tonks! You scared me - I thought a boy had gotten in the dorm.” Alison relaxed, having been clutching her towel defensively as though Tonks might jump at her.

Behind them, Betty scoffed. “There might as well have been.” Tonks heard her say, almost under her breath.

Glinda, head still poked out of her stall, gave a sigh. “Betty, give it a rest.”

Betty crossed her arms. “I’m just saying, you shouldn’t be allowed to go around the girls dorm looking the way you do. It’s misleading.”

Tonks’ brow furrowed. “Misleading?”

“Well, boy’s aren’t allowed in the girls’ dorm, but you live there." 

“I don’t see your point.” Tonks said, starting to get a strange uneasy feeling in her stomach. Had someone figured it out? Had she left "Who Am I?" sitting out? Duke wouldn't have told anyone. This felt vaguely like sitting in the kitchen while her Gran and mother critiqued her appearance as if she weren’t there.

Glinda Crook looked as if she wanted to say something, but kept her mouth shut.

“Well it’s obvious, isn’t it? Everyone’s afraid to say something, but we all know you’re a dyke, alright? We can tell. You could look like a model if you wanted, but you look like this instead? Yeah, it wasn’t hard to figure out. You look like a boy.” Betty scoffed.

The room was silent, no one else said a thing.

Tonks restrained herself from shouting ‘Maybe I am a boy!’ She stood for a second before turning and leaving; quickly, but still walking. She didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of knowing she was upset. She moved faster once she was out of the common room, and was practically bolting by the time she reached the seventh floor. She ran the final corridor to The Room, pacing quickly in front of it, still clutching the small bundle of her pajamas. She thought as clearly as she could, “I need somewhere I can be alone. With a mirror. And a bath. I need a nice bath. Alone. I need to be alone. A room with a mirror and a bath.”

She looked up, expecting a doorway. There was only wall.

Maybe she was too upset? Tonks took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down before pacing again, slower this time. “I need a big bathroom, somewhere I can morph and calm down.” She thought this several times over before stopping and looking at the wall expectantly.

Nothing.

Tonks looked behind her at the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy, ensuring she was in the right place. Duke must be in there, in the lounge. That was the only explanation. She stood against the wall, where the door would be, and whistled their code signal once, then again.

They had made it up when they first found the room, to make sure they wouldn’t go running into anyone else who knew the room existed. Surely they weren’t the only ones. The last thing they needed was to go asking for a place to relax, only to find Snape in a bubble bath. So they whistled to alert the other of their presence. Anyone else in the room would simply think someone was whistling as they walked past.

Sure enough, the wall transfigured into a door, then was pushed open to reveal Duke, hair sticking up, clothes wrinkled.

“So it is you. I thought you were in the library, I was afraid someone else was in there.“ She looked him up and down skeptically. “What, have you got a girl in there?

Duke blushed at the accusation, then laughed. “What? Merlin, no. I skipped the library, I still had a book to finish. Good thing you showed up, I fell asleep. Get in here.”

Tonks slipped into the room, half reluctant. She sat, slumped, on the sofa.

Duke took a place across from her on the chaste he had fallen asleep on. He looked at her, concerned. “Sorry, if you wanted to be alone…I’ve finished the book. I should probably go to the library before it closes.”

Tonks tried to look neutral as she shrugged.

“T, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just a little tired, I wanted to come have a bath or something.”

Duke cocked his head to the side. “Since when do you bathe in here?”

“I just didn’t want to be in the dorms, okay?”

“Why? did something happen?”

Tonks was quiet.

“T, please, come on.”

Tonks’ voice sounded strained as she muttered her explanation. “Betty Braithwaite went off on me.”

“What? Why?”

“She told me that everyone in our dorm knows I like girls. She- she called me a-“ Tonks shook her head, not wanting to repeat the word. "She said I look like a boy. I didn’t want to stay in the dorm tonight with everyone there, gossiping. I didn’t know what to do, so I came here. I was gonna morph and then just sleep.”

“Wow. Okay. Uh, look, I can go. I’ve got plenty of books to get from the library. And then you can do whatever you need. And if you wanted, I could come back when you’ve done, and we could talk, eh?”

Tonks, who had been hiding her head in her hands, looked up. “You meant what you said the other day, that it wouldn’t be weird, right? If I looked…different around you?”

“Whatever you need, T. I want you to feel comfortable. I just don’t want to leave you alone for long, or you’ll mull around in everything that just happened. So I’ll come back up in half an hour, yeah? And you’ll be here, however you feel comfortable?”

Tonks nodded. “Yeah, alright.”

Tonks stood and followed Duke to the door. They both exited into the corridor.

Duke headed down the hall. As he turned the corner, he glanced back, reminding Tonks one more time. “Half an hour, yeah?”

She nodded, and watched him walk off. Tonks stood in front of the door as it disappeared, then thought one last time: “I need a room with a bath and a mirror. Someplace I can calm down.”

With no one else using the room, a door finally appeared. Tonks entered and was taken aback.

“I’m never bathing in the dorms again.” She said aloud, impressed. There was a bathtub with several faucets that was the size of a small pool. There were robes and fresh towels on a shelf against the back wall. Next to them, a large mirror.

Tonks turned the first two faucets on, shutting the second off immediately as it began to spew foamy soap. She tested the other four faucets. Only the two on the ends ran water, the rest were various perfumed soaps and bubbles. She fiddled with the knobs until the temperature felt right, then headed over to the mirror, shedding her clothes.

She stood looking at this version of herself that so often felt wrong. This body was the one she had always had, but it condemned her to discomfort and fear more often than not. It felt good to exchange it for another every so often.

And exchange it she did. She slipped into the new body type easily, needing only a couple minutes to do it. The change was more familiar now, after she had gotten accustomed to sleeping in her male form at home. She hadn’t dared to change very often now that she was back at school, living with six girls in the dorm. She had snuck away once or twice to the room and made some minor changes, but even then, she kept her face mostly the same out of fear of being caught.

But now the only one who would see her was Duke. This posed a whole new scenario. She focused particularly on her face. That’s what he would see. Would he think she looked bad as a male? Would he, despite what he had said, feel weird about seeing her like this?

She made her jawline more square, adding a tiny bit of stubble. Then she took it away. Would she look too male? Would she still look like herself?

Gran’s commentary from months ago echoed in her mind. “You’ve always got such a scruffy look about you.”

Tonks rubbed her new jaw as she re-grew the scruff. Now she looked like herself.

…Himself?

Tonks felt almost angry as she questioned the tiny pronouns that caused so much trouble. She wished she could do away with them entirely. She could still feel like a boy when she had breasts, why shouldn’t she still feel like a boy when people still called her “she?” Still, it felt somewhat foreign to call this body “hers.”

Maybe if I told more people, then they could call me “he,” Tonks thought. Sometimes. When we’re alone. That might be nice.

Tonks ran a hand over pectoral muscles and slightly more defined abs, content with her handiwork.

She heard the flow of water cease behind her, automatically stopping as the bath had been filled.

Tonks took one last long look in the mirror, making a few final minor adjustments - thicker eyebrows, eyes a slightly darker shade of green. She stared at her body, this new, barely-used body. It still felt a little foreign, but at the same time, as familiar as her usual self.

She broke out of thought to wade down the small stairs into the bath. The water was warm and there was a sheen of soapy foam on the top from her experimentation with the faucets.

She submerged herself entirely under the water, soaking the wavy auburn hair she had given herself earlier.

She stayed there, making a game of how long she might hold her breath, surfacing after around a minute. She had started to feel a little light headed.

Tonks stood in the water, which came just past her naval, rubbing her temples. She laid back in the water, floating comfortably.

She stayed there for some time before remembering that Duke would be back eventually. She stood in the water, resigning to finish washing up when she saw a selection of soaps in dishes along the edge of the bath-pool. She had heard of the nice bathroom that was reserved for prefects, but this room had to beat that. She sniffed at the soaps, finally picking one that smelled warm, like cloves and butterbeer.

The water was still very warm, but Tonks guessed that had to do with the enchanted room rather than the timing of her not-so-quick bath. She rinsed and left the warm water, a bit worried that Duke could be back at any moment. She dried off with one of the huge, fluffy towels, which also seemed to be enchanted to stay warm.

She threw on her favorite Whizzing Pixies t-shirt and the flannel pajama pants she had brought from the dormitory. She gathered her robes and poked her head out of the door, checking that everything was clear, before leaving the room. She waited a full minute before the door disappeared, then paced the corridor, thinking of the lounge.

The door reappeared, smaller now. Tonks entered, heading over to the sofa to wait for Duke.

 


	9. Rip Current

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tonks starts to panic about the gravity of her situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short, I know! I just didn't want it attached to anything else. Chapter 10 to follow very soon!

Tonks laid back. She had felt so tired an hour ago, but she couldn’t even consider sleeping with the thoughts now racing through her mind. During tomorrow’s Hogsmeade trip, all the fifth-years would have a chance to hear about what happened tonight. Come Monday, Tonks would be out to the whole school.

Well, kind of out, she thought. Duke was still the only person in all of Hogwarts that she had told about the body she now occupied. After he saw her tonight, there would be no turning back.

After tonight, everything will be different. Would they make her move out of the girls’ dorm now that everyone knew she liked girls? Where would she stay? Surely Dumbledore knew about The Room - maybe she could ask him to let her stay there?

Tonks’ eyes burned with tears as she thought about the sudden uncertainty of her situation. She imagined everything that could go wrong. A parent could complain that she was a bad influence. People could start to take note of her masculine appearance. They’d start asking questions - either she’d have to lie or come out to everyone.

Tonks, feeling panicked, had started to breath quickly when the door opened a few inches.

"Er, T? You all… sorted in there?”

Tonks sat up and took a deep breath and tried to wipe the tears from her face. “Yeah, yeah. Come on in.”

“Right, I didn’t want to come in and find you still in the bath or anything-” Duke cut himself off as he met Tonks’ eyes.

Tonks wiped at her face again. “Sorry. I’m fine, I’m just freaking out a little. Sorry.” Tonks shook her head, flustered.

“Wow.” Duke stared hard at Tonks, like he was trying to read her. His expression was a mixture of shock and pity.

Tonks remembered quite suddenly that he had never seen her like this before. The panic pulled her back under like a riptide. Was it too much?

Duke found himself staring too long and tried to act as though nothing had changed. He didn’t want to make Tonks feel judged. He searched for the right thing to say.

“T, you look more like you than you ever have.”

Tonks stared back at him now. He’s right, she thought. This is right. This is me. Somehow, though, that didn’t make the panic fade away.

Duke continued, filling the silence. “And you look great, really. But erm, you also kinda look like hell, mate.”

Tonks spoke again, not bothering to put up a front. “I feel like hell, Duke.”

Duke felt a pang in his chest at this confession. It had been a long time since he had seen Tonks this distraught. He made his way to the sofa where Tonks now sat up, not bothering to leave the usual distance between them. He pulled Tonks into a hug. “I’m going to help you figure it all out, T. I promise.”

Tonks pulled away, shaking her head again. “I think I’m past help, Duke.”  
  
He felt angry at this statement. “Don’t say that. You can’t think like that anymore, ok? You’re not going back to that, not after all of this.”

“Duke, tomorrow everyone in the school will know. The teachers’ll hear about it.”

“They don’t care about rumors.”

“The parents will. Besides, they’re not rumors. You know that, and so will everyone else. I don’t know what’s going to happen, D. They’re not going to let me stay in the girls’ dorm if I like girls, and they definitely won’t if I tell them about everything else. This is bad, really bad. I don’t know what to do and there’s no way to stop it-” Tonks had gotten up and started pacing frantically.

“T, that’s not going to happen.”

“You don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“T, the teachers aren’t going to make a big deal out of you liking girls. And they’ll deal with anyone who tries to.”

Tonks rounded on Duke. “You do not know that!” She said loudly, frustrated that he clearly didn’t understand what could go wrong.

“Sit down and let me talk. You need to calm down.”

Tonks could feel her nails digging into her palms. “You don’t know, Duke. There’s no way they’re just going to let this be. Do you know how many out gay kids there are in Hogwarts, Duke? There are none! There’s a reason for that. Merlin, they might kick me out.” Tonks went on, now oblivious to any reasoning.

“They aren’t going to do that.”  
  
“Stop telling me what they aren’t going to do, Duke! You have no idea what they’ll do!”

“Merlin, Tonks! Would you just sit down for a minute and listen to me, please?” Duke shouted at her, and she stood still, taken aback.

He gestured to the sofa. “Please?” he pleaded again, his voice back to its collected calm.

Tonks gave in, too tired to keep going on. She sat across from Duke now, still somewhat cross with his demeanor.

“Okay, promise you’ll listen to me without freaking out and interrupting?”

“…Fine.”

Duke sighed. “Alright then. I am certain that they aren’t going to kick you out for being gay.”

Tonks started to say something, but Duke cut her off before she could get a word out. “You promised. I’ll explain.”

Tonks stared him down, suspicious, but said nothing more. 


	10. Echoes of the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We look back and learn a bit about Duke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter in a really weird fit of inspiration. It takes place prior to the rest of the story, early in Tonks’ third year at Hogwarts. Tonks isn’t the focus of this chapter – actually, Tonks isn’t even mentioned? I didn’t originally intend for the minor characters in this story to have so much background, but… wala. It seemed a crime not to write this, and I’m quite proud of it. I didn't even think I would post it at first, but it kind of weaved itself into the plot. Enjoy!

Duke sat down as instructed, glad to have a chair to cling to in his nervous state. Professor Sprout looked at him expectantly.

Oh, right. She wanted him to speak. That’s what he had told her he needed to do when he timidly knocked on her office door minutes prior. He opened his mouth, then immediately closed it. He had planned what he needed to say, but it seemed the script had vanished now.

It seemed that the professor sensed this. “Why don’t you start with why you’re here.” she prompted.

“My parents insisted that I come speak with you as soon as possible. They didn’t want to be… Blamed.”

“I’m sorry, Duke, I don’t quite understand. What would we be blaming them for?”

“Well, er – I told them something recently, and they thought I needed to let the school know, in case there were… rules against it.”

“Oh. Well, by all means, let me know what it is.” She assumed he had brought dungbombs to school or some other harmless prank. Since he was coming forward, Sprout didn’t even plan on docking him house points.

“I, erm, I’m – Well, I’m… gay.” Duke stared hard at his hands folded in his lap.

His head of house stared at him for what seemed like hours before she spoke, softly this time. “Your parents wanted you to tell me this?”

Duke nodded, afraid now. Was he going to be expelled?

“Because they thought it may be against school rules to admit gay students?”

Duke nodded again, his eyes prickling with frightened tears.

“Duke, I promise you, you won’t get into trouble here at Hogwarts for being gay.”

Duke looked up at her now. “I won’t?”

Professor Sprout shook her head. “No, and I find it a bit odd that your parents led you to believe you would.”

“But I live in the boy’s dormitory.”  
  
“Well, you’re a boy, are you not?”

Duke nodded.

“Well, then. You’re exactly where you belong.“

Duke smiled a bit, relieved.

* * *

 

As the staff meeting came to a close, Professor Sprout updated everyone on the discussion she had the night before with young Duke McCormack.

“We should all keep a close eye on the boy, to ensure that no one is giving him a hard time.” Dumbledore said, after Professor Sprout had finished explaining what had happened.

“It sounds as if the only people giving him a hard time are his parents.” McGonagall added in.

“Yes, well, while things are finally improving for people like us these days;” Professor Sprout said, taking the hand of Madam Hooch, who sat next to her, “many people still hold prejudice, especially in the older pure-blood families.”

Madam Hooch looked at her affectionately, nodding in agreement. “We’ve never faced the level of persecution present in the muggle community, but many gay witches and wizards are still taught to be ashamed of their identity.”

Dumbledore nodded along, then looked over all his staff. “It has always been my intention, from the day I took the position as Headmaster, to make acceptance a priority at Hogwarts.”

There was a murmur of agreement throughout the room.

* * *

 

“You know, Duke, there’s nothing wrong with who you are. And it’s safe to be yourself at Hogwarts. If anyone were to give you a hard time, I’d want you to come to me.” Professor Sprout said gently.

Duke nodded. “No one really knows but you – and my parents.”

“I take it they are…less than supportive?

Duke’s mind flashed back to his mother disgust and his father’s red-faced anger the week before he left for his second year at Hogwats. They had been sure that the school wouldn’t allow him to stay, their reputation would be ruined, and that their only son would have to be sent away to a foreign school. “You could say that.”

Sprout frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Duke said nothing more, but simply shrugged. Even at 13, it was clear to him that he and his parents were very different people. He knew they wouldn’t throw him out or physically hurt him, because they had to keep up appearances. All he had to do was coexist with them each summer until he was 17.

"Well, I can assure you, though you may not find support at home, you can certainly find it here at Hogwarts.”


	11. Deliberation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tonks and Duke talk through some things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a filler/fluff chapter for transitional purposes. Hope you enjoy! If the editing sucks, I apologize - I edited late at night after a long day. Just wanted to finally get this chapter up.

“You’re not gay.” Tonks said, her expression dubious.

“My parents will be thrilled to hear that.” Duke chuckled.

“You’re gay.” Tonks stated plainly.

“So you’ve changed your mind then?” Duke said, chuckling more still.

“You are?” Tonks asked.

“Well I didn’t just pull that whole long story out of my arse, so, yeah. Pretty gay. I like guys and everything.”

“Don’t be a git.”

“I’m not!”

“You don’t get to turn this into a joke.”

“T, I’m not joking. I am definitely very, very gay. And-”

“And you never told me?”

“You didn’t tell me you were gay until a week ago! And you threw in the lovely bit about you not even being a girl half the time!”

Tonks let herself fall back onto the sofa cushions. “Right.”

They sat there for two long minutes.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We don’t exactly plait each other’s hair and talk about boys, do we? Besides, my parents made me swear I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“But you just told me.”

“Yeah, well, I couldn’t let you go on panicking like you were.”

Tonks was silent for a bit as she mulled this over. “Thanks, D.”

“Don’t thank me, you’re still going to have a whole cauldron full of shit to deal with tomorrow.”

“Remember when you were trying to keep me from panicking?”

“Right. It’ll be fine. The professors won’t let anything bad happen. Professor Sprout even talked to my parents for me last year.”

Tonks hadn’t even thought of asking a teacher to talk to her parents. “But aren’t they going to be mad that you told me?”

“Ah, well, I’m just hoping they don’t find out.”

Tonks frowned, now hoping the same thing. She had never met Duke’s parents, but they had never sounded like the greatest people, even before hearing this latest story.

They fell into a silence for some time, each contemplating the turbulent evening.

It was Tonks who broke the silence, feeling guilty and still in shock. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you at first. You just… honestly, I should have know. You’ve had loads of girls fawning over you since first year, but you never paid them any mind.”

“There haven’t been loads.”

Tonks scoffed. “I could name twelve off the top of my head, including nearly every girl in my dorm.”

“Neh, don’t be stupid.” Duke said, shaking his head.

“I’m serious. I’ve been hearing about it for years now. 'Oh, Duke has such lovely hair,’ she mocked. ‘Tonks, does Duke like girls with curly hair or straight hair better? You’re friends with him, do you know if he has a crush on anyone?'”

Duke wrinkled his face. “I guess I knew a couple girls had crushes. I didn’t realize, though… I always thought Bill was the one who’s popular with the girls.”

“He is… almost as much as you.”

Duke shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t like that. What if they start to wonder why I’m not interested in them?”

“Oh, they already have, but don’t worry. They’ve never thought that you might be gay.”

“What do they think, then?”

“Nothing worth mentioning, really. Stupid fodder for their rumors.” Tonks wrinkles her nose as she recalls just last week when Glinda Crook playfully pointed out that 'The only girl Duke seems to have time for is Tonks.’

Duke wrinkled his face. “T… I really can’t afford for anyone to find out about this, not even by accident. If it got round to my parents that I’ve been 'disgracing the family name’ by telling my dirty secret, I don’t even know what they’d do.”  
  
“I wouldn’t tell anyone, Duke. I’ll be careful of what I say.” Tonks reassured him.

There was a quiet pause before Tonks spoke again. “They’re wrong, though. Your parents. You’re the best thing to ever happen to their precious family name.”

Duke shrugged. “I kind of get it, ya know? I’m not even sure they’re mad so much as just scared. If people found out - our relatives, or dad’s coworkers… And dad’s side has always been so serious about 'carrying on the family name.’ I’m his only son, and I won’t exactly be doing that. They barely got over me not being a Quidditch player, and then I told them I liked blokes.”

Tonks understood Duke’s reasoning, but that didn’t make how his parents were treating him okay. His parents and sister, all talented Quidditch players, had never let Duke forget that he barely passed flying lessons first year. It didn’t matter how talented he was when it came to music, his parents never seemed to care. And being gay, on top of all that, had certainly made him the black sheep of the family.

Tonks groaned, turning sideways and flomping her lanky body along the sofa’s length. “Duke, why do good people like you get stuck with parents who don’t understand them at all?”

Duke grimaced. “The way of the world? Builds character? Bullocks if I know, T. They could be worse, though.”

Tonks threw her arm over her face, blocking out the light from above and hiding her expression. She thought of her mother’s side of the family. Her mum had never talked about them much, but what little Tonks had managed to pick up had not been pleasant.

She suddenly felt extremely grateful for her shy but supportive father and her well-meaning, albeit sometimes over-bearing mother. Tonks swallowed. A lump was forming in her throat. She groaned again. “Feelings are dumb!” she half shouted at herself.

Duke chuckled from the other sofa.

Tonks turned over, pressing her face into the cushions, surrounding herself with soft fabric and darkness. “I don’t even want to think about tomorrow.” She said, voice muffled by the pillow.

“It might not be as bad as you’re thinking.” Duke offered

“I think it’ll be worse than anything I’ve managed to think up.” Tonks said, sort of looking for more reasons to be cross.

“Ah, come on. you’ve got to figure with the way you hang out with all of us boys, half of them think you’re dating any one of us. So a lot of people-”

“Wait, what?” Tonks popped her head up a bit.

“Well, yeah. You’re around us all the time, and guys talk. I get asked a lot if you’re dating Herman or me or Donaghan. Just people being nosy, you know, what have you. But because of that, people may just assume anything Betty says is a rumor or an outright lie.”

This calmed Tonks a bit, though it brought up a whole new crop of questions. Did people really think she was dating her friends just because they were guys? She was reminded again of her awkward interaction with Herman when he had asked her to go out with him to Hogsmeade. She had nervously suggested that they go in a group as friends, instead. She figured it was best to keep her mind off dating right now, seeing as no one really knew about her gender-related escapades.

Tonks chuckled quietly to herself at the thought of her showing up looking like she did right now on a date with Herman. Would he even recognize her?

“What are you laughing over?” Duke grinned.

“Do I still look like me? Like, if I just walked down the hall right now and ran into someone, would they know it was me, just more like a boy?”

“I mean, you change round so often that I think people recognize you more by your clothes and ridiculous hair than anything. They just look for the person who looks nothing like anyone else, and there’s Tonks.”

“Right.”

“They’d probably just think you were having a laugh.”

Tonks wrinkled her nose. “Yeah, probably.”

“I know you’re not, though. I know this is real, T. I get it. I mean, not completely but… You know. I’m here. If you need me, I’m here to listen or whatever.”

Tonks smiled. "Thank you."

The two each laid across from each other on their respective sofas in silence for some time. 

"I love you, T."  
  
Tonks eyes, previously close, shot open. She laid very still and said nothing, waiting to see if Duke would say anything else.

"Like, just so you know. You're like my best mate, and no matter what happens tomorrow, no matter how bad you feel, I just wanted to tell you. Because I care about you and everything, and if you started to feel bad like last time, I just wanted you to remember that. That I love you and care about you and everything." Duke rambled. They had never been good at the feelings-talk.

Tonks felt her heart clench at the worry in Duke's voice. Had she really seemed that out of it lately? She'd have to make an effort not to freak people out again. Duke did so much for her, and she didn't want him to have to worry about her anymore.

"Love you too, Duke."


	12. Somewhere in the Distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tonks has a dream of her childhood, then wakes up and prepares to face the aftershocks of last night's events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really, really, really, REALLY sorry I haven't updated in forever. I don't really have a good excuse except life happened.
> 
> I wanted to upload this on July 19th, because that marks one year since I started writing this. It didn't seem quite right yet though, so I worked on it a bit more. Sorry if the editing is sub-par, I've been writing on a tablet instead of a computer as of late.
> 
> Again, super sorry for the loooooonnnng wait. I hope you guys like it.

Nymphadora Tonks, age seven, peeked through the hedges, trying to get a good look at the gnome her father had thrown out of the yard not ten minutes before.

* * *

  
"No, daddy!!!" She had shrieked. "He's going to be my friend!"

Little Dora reached for the gnome, not pulling back even when he gnashed his yellow teeth at her and grumbled.

"Dora, we do not make friends with gnomes! They are pests." And with that, he had lobbed the little garden man over the bushes.

She shrieked again as she saw her new little friend flying out of the yard. "You're going to break him, daddy! He's hurt, he's hurt!"

Ted Tonks, with the patience of a healer, clapped the dirt off his hands and scooped up his only child. He held her over the hedges and pointed out. "He's not hurt, little love. I just gave him a bit of a fright so he won't dig up your mothers carrots anymore." As if to prove his point, the gnome then stood up, brushing himself off, and looked about in a wobbly manner. "See, not hurt, just dizzy."

"Like when I spin round for too long?"

Her father chuckled, "Yes, very much like that." With that, he pulled her away from the hedge, spinning her through the air. She giggled and yelled, the gnome nearly forgotten about.

* * *

  
"Pssst!!! Oi, you. Mister gnome!" She half whispered. "You can come back now, he's gone."

The gnomes paid her little mind, going about their business, rooting dumbly into the ground. 

She watched one root a worm out of the ground and plop it into his mouth like a candy. "Eww!!" She exclaimed. Just as she backed away in disgust, she was swept up from behind and tossed into the air. She yelled in surprise, not sure what was happening. She was being carried over someone's shoulder. She shrieked again but was cut off by a familiar voice.

"Cousin Andromeda!" The voice yelled as the man it was attached to carried her through the kitchen door. "I've found a particularly grubby little gnome wandering about the hedge of your garden." He tugged her off of his shoulder, holding her by the legs. "Shall I throw her out of the yard?"

Tonks shrieked and giggled and squirmed as she was was swung about by her favorite cousin. "I'm not a gnome, I'm not a gnome!"

She heard her mother's voice now. "I'm not so sure this is a gnome, Sirius."

He feigned a gasp. "Surely you don't think it's something more...dangerous?" And he held Dora away from himself in mock fear.

"Only slightly so. You see, Sirius, I think you may have accidentally caught Nymphadora."

"What? A creature so rare in your own garden?" He held her up as if to get a better look at her. She giggled again as she was jolted around. "Are you sure?"

"I recognize the shoes."

"Ahh." He grasped her shoulders and pulled her right side up in his arms before setting her on her feet in the kitchen. "I suppose we'll keep her around then."

Dora giggled, jumping at Sirius. "Again!! Do it again!!"

"Not now Dora. Let me get Sirius something to eat before you go running him into the ground."

Sirius wriggled his eyebrows at Dora and made a funny face. She flashed her hair bright blue in response.

"And shoes off, both of you! I won't have you tracking mud into my kitchen, wild creatures or otherwise."

They kicked their shoes off at the door and sat at either end of the small table in the kitchen. Andromeda bustled around the kitchen, fixing Sirius a late dinner.

* * *

  
"No, no, that one there. The bluey looking one. Just next to that cloud." Sirius pointed toward his favorite constellation.

"I thought you said the sun is a star, too?" Tonks lay next to him on the lawn, using her jacket as a pillow.

"It is."

"Well if your star is the brightest, then why is the sun so much brighter?"

"The sun is closer. Sirius is much farther away."

"So it would look brighter if you got closer to it?"

"Yep."

"Cool."

There was a gentle creaking as the back door to the yard was opened. "Nymphadora, you'll have to come in now, it's way past bed for you."

Dora grabbed her jacket from beneath her head and fiddled with tugging it on, stalling. "I hate when she calls me that." She mumbled.

Sirius chuckled, scooping her up like a quaffle. "Come on, little gnome. You heard your mum. It's off to bed with you."

He carried her inside, handing her off to Andromeda.

"Will you still be here when I wake up?" Tonks asked.

Andromeda turned to look at her cousin, who gave her a sheepish look. "You could at least stay for breakfast, couldn't you? You needn't hurry off tonight, when we've got the spare room."

"I suppose I don't have to leave after we talk - if you don't mind, 'Dromeda."

"She doesn't mind!" Tonks squeaked.

"Then it's decided." Her mother began to carry Tonks upstairs. "There's a kettle on, if you'd like a tea. Ted's already in the study. I'll put Dora down and then we can chat."

"Thanks, Andromeda."

"Goodnight Sirius." Tonks whispered poorly from the staircase.

"Goodnight, little Tonks." Sirius faux-whispered back. 

* * *

  
Tonks had been all tucked in, teeth brushed and hair combed. Her mother had left her door open just a crack, as always. But she could still hear the faintest echo of voices coming from her fathers study.

All tiredness abandoned, Dora crept to her doorway, peeking out. The study door was shut at the end of the hall.

Curiosity getting the best of her, she tip-toed toward the door, avoiding the third floorboard with the knot in it, which she knew from experience could creak during nighttime eavesdropping missions.

"-surely Dumbledore-"

"James would never-"

"-duty to keep The Order informed-"

She picked out a few names she recognized.

Dumbledore, the infamous headmaster of Hogwarts. Her parents always spoke highly of him. And this James must be the same one Sirius always has grand tales of adventures about.

Dora was unsure what The Order was, though she had heard it whispered amongst the adults many times.  
"Shhh-" she heard someone hushing. Her ears tingled and she leaned in toward the door. Suddenly, it opened.

Dora jumped in fright. Sirius stood in the doorway.

"Sneaky sneaky, little gnome. But I saw little feet casting shadows under the door."

"I, uhm, I forgot to kiss Daddy goodnight." Tonks came up with a haphazard excuse.

Ted chuckled, standing. He lifted her into his arms, kissing her forehead. He looked back at Sirius and Andromeda. "I'll be right back." And he carried Tonks back to her room.

He laid her in bed, tugging the covers up around her.

"I'll have to tuck you in extra tight, so you fall fast asleep and don't come sneaking down the halls again."

"Sorry. But I got bored. It sounded like you were having an interesting conversation."

He ran a hand through Dora's nest of brown hair, smoothing it just past her chin. He didn't have to ask who had inspired this evening's hairstyle and smoky eyes. A sigh escaped him and he held back a laugh at his daughter's cheeky, albeit eloquent excuse. "I'm sure you could dream up things much more interesting, if only you would fall asleep."

She pondered some of her more recent dreams, deciding that her father was probably right. Her mother had always said that Dora had an uncanny ability to keep herself entertained with her own wild imagination. "Okay."

He chuckled. "Goodnight, Dora."

"Night." And with that, she snuggled down into the covers and fell asleep for the night, glad that Sirius would be waiting for her in the morning with more adventures to have and stories to tell.

* * *

 

 

Tonks woke abruptly with a pang in her heart and the image of wolfish grin in her mind. The memory was so vivid in her dream, it was like she was 7 years old again.

She sighed. She hadn't seen her cousin Sirius Black in almost 9 years. Not since he committed an unspeakable act against his dearest friends and thirteen innocent muggles.

It had been years after his arrest that Tonks finally learned what her dear cousin had done. It took another year for her to finally believe that it was true. There was still a part of her that hoped there was explanation behind it all, a justification. But nowhere in her mind could Tonks imagine a just reason for murder.

She shuddered at the image of what that horrible day must have been like.

"You all good, mate?" Duke asked groggily from the sofa across from her. His head poked out from a blanket he'd thrown over himself. They'd both fallen asleep in The Room after their late night conversation.

"Er, yeah. Weird dream."

"Weirder than real life? Damn." Duke chuckled.

Tonks remembered why they had spent the night out of the dorms I the first place and groaned. "And a lot less trouble." She added. "I was a kid. Playing with the garden gnomes in our backyard and romping around and stargazing."

Duke knew that Dora used to watch the stars with her cousin. If he had any comments, he kept them to himself.

"With Sirius." She added, a little sadly.

"I'm sorry, T."

"S'okay."

"What time is it?"

Tonks looked around for the clock that usually appeared on the wall of The Room. "Oh, bollocks. It's nearly ten."

"We should probably-"

"Er, I'll need to..." Tonks trailed off, unsure of a polite way to tell Duke to get out so she could change back.

"Hell, that's right. Wow. You're still a bloke."

"Yeah, its kind of lucky, actually. Sometimes I change back while I'm sleeping."

"Guess that explains why you have brown hair at breakfast sometimes."

Tonks nodded.

"What if you just went to breakfast like this?"

Tonks felt her stomach knot at the very idea. "Don't be ridiculous."

"People probably wouldn't think it was that weird.

You've walked round with a pig's nose before."

Tonks shifted, a little uncomfortable. "Yeah, but we were having a laugh then."

Duke nodded. "You're right. This isn't the same, I shouldn't have compared them. Sorry, I didn't mean to, to freak you out or anything. You should do what makes you comfortable."

If it were just a matter of physical comfort, Tonks wouldn't change back. But there were other people and their reactions to factor in. She groaned.

Duke gave her a small frown. "I'll duck outside, so you can... Y'know." He ran a hand through his messy hair and headed out into the corridor.

With Duke gone, Tonks undressed, morphing her body back nearly to its 'default.' She frowned as her facial hair shrank away and her jawline went softer. She kept the extra inches of height though, and left her chest flat enough enough that she could throw last night's clothes on without needing a bra. She considered sneaking back to her dorm to grab new clothes, but her stomach gave a growl that implied clothes could wait until after breakfast.

She flitted through a few hair and eye colours, settling on a blue gray for both. She smirked as freckles blossomed across her nose and face. Dressed and morphed in a way that would (hopefully) illicit no gasping, she grabbed her bag, stuffing in yesterday's bra and her copy of Who Am I.

She creaked the door open just a bit, poking her head out a bit to check for people passing by. Duke's head popped around the edge of the door.

"There's no one around!" He said.

Tonks jumped a bit, opening the door wider in alarm.  
The door pushed Duke back, causing him to stumble a bit, landing on the ground.

"Shit, sorry mate. You scared me." Tonks shut the door, leaning down to help him up.

Duke laughed. "I kind of had it coming." He grabbed her arm, hoisting himself up. "Woah. Neat." He featured to Tonks' face.

"What?" She released his arm.

"Your hair and eyes, they're like the exact same colour. It's just cool."

Tonks scoffed. "Your hair and eyes are the same colour too, mate."

"Yeah, brown." Duke said, unimpressed with himself.

They both chuckled, shoving each other playfully down the hall.

* * *

  
The Great Hall was at the peak of Saturday breakfast, students lolling around, piling plates with bacon and toast and other various breakfast foods.

Tonks felt a nervous shiver go down her spine as they entered.

"Hey," Duke said, giving her an encouraging nudge. "I don't think we'll run into any trouble. No one wants a fuss this early on a weekend. Not even Betty Braithewaite." He teased.

They both looked over in Betty's direction. She had a snooty look on her face that seemed almost permanent. She and Glinda Crook seemed to be having an argument. Poor Glinda. She was too nice to be wasting any time on Betty.

They took seats by Herman, Duke's older friend Myron, and few of the fourth years they hung out with. Charlie Weasley came in behind them, joining the 'Hufflepuff Table.' The seating rarely remained sorted by house on the weekends. Tonks' group of friends in particular were a random bunch who fell into friendship because of their unique interests.

Everyone joined in the morning chatter, Tonks and Duke less so. Tonks fidgeted with her fork, looking over at Betty, who seemed to be arguing with the girls sitting next to her.

"Merlin, relax. Honestly T, I don't think anyone's going to make a thing of it." Duke said. He threw a piece of toast on her plate and pushed a bowl of fruit toward her. "And eat something."

She smiled sheepishly. "You're probably right." She scooped some berries from the bowl.

Suddenly there was a person next to Tonks. She looked up.

"Could I sit with you?" Glinda Crooks asked shortly, but in a kind voice.

Duke and Tonks both raised their eyebrows. Tonks, distracted, looked over again and saw Betty Braithewaite looking particularly snooty, lips pursed and refusing to look in their direction.

Duke kicked Tonks under the table. "Ow! Bloody hell, what di-"

He gave her a look.

She looked back up at Glinda. "Right, I mean, yeah, if you want to, of course."

Duke shook his head, looking at Tonks in a way that said 'At least try to function like a normal person.'

They all chuckled in the collective awkwardness.

"Erm, so, everything...alright?" Tonks asked her.

"Yeah, she's just- Betty is ridiculous. Don't let her bother you, okay, Tonks? She's not happy unless she's hurting someone's feelings."

Tonks went a bit pink in the face at her reference to the previous night's events. "Yeah, no. No, she doesn't bother me."

"Good. I should've said something sooner. I shouldn't have let her talk to you like that last night."

Tonks stared at her plate, very interested in a strawberry. "It's alright." She shrugged.

"Well no, it wasn't. But I've just told her she can go stuff it so hopefully now she'll realize she can't treat people like that."

Tonks gave a surprised laugh.

"Wait," Duke chimed in, both of them turning to look at him. "Did you actually tell her to 'stuff it?'"

Glinda laughed, half embarrassed. "It just came out."

"Oh that's brilliant. You sit with us whenever you want." He said, laughing.

Surrounded now by friends and distraction, some of the anxiety Tonks had been feeling began to melt away.

 

 

 

 


End file.
